So Where's Your College?

Let's face it, there's alot more than academics and cost to consider when choosing a college- proximity to an ice cream parlor, whether or not they serve pizza everyday, the general attractiveness of the female and male students (it would really be a shame if I had to attend a school where I was once again the best-looking guy; such a heavy burden to bear...). But there's something more important than that- as these formative years shape you, so will the geography of those years. Imagine if you were attending college...

In the Heart of the City
Some people live for the city, and don't sleep because of the city. Those are those insane individuals who believe that "being social defines you" or some other inane and blathering nonsense; something about "needing people to survive" and "no man is an island." Well, let me tell ya, perhaps no man is an island, but no man can possibly see the need to surround yourself with 14 million other small islands and/or miniature geographic features at all times, stranded within a bigger geographic feature.

In simpler words: no sane man willingly consigns himself to be in the company of millions of other men without some kinda catch, especially in college. Maybe you're in it for the ladies. Maybe you're in it for the 13$ a gallon gas or the 4$ a pizza slice pizza, but you'll regret it. Oh, yes you will. After finding out that my number 1 college was at the heart of a college town, surrounded by 7 or so other colleges, I retreated under my desk and curled up into a ball, sobbing and rocking back and forth. Save yourself.

Prime real estate: you can barely touch both walls at the same time!

In the Heart of the Cornfields
At the other extreme end of the spectrum is the "hole in the ground" college. Once upon a time, back when Manifest Destiny gripped the hearts of pioneers and shook them until they staggered out Westward, a lone caravan decided to settle in the single most desolate and abandonded spot possible. This is the town founded by complete loons for no good reason, and their descendants, continuing in the tradition of their mindless forefathers, have destined to lure other people into a town where the cows outnumber the people 3:1. Their bait: a modest college that looks nice and is inhabited by generally genial and amiable people.

Don't fall for this one, either. The only supermarket in town is Wally's Mart, and the nearest actual town is somehow 200 miles away, something you once thought geographically impossible in the United States. It's a shame that living in the cornfields is what finally forced you to learn how to use a map and figure out just how stranded you are. One day, the corn will rise up and destroy the town and the college.

"I forgot what hills look life..."

Abroad in the Jungles of the Amazon
"Gee, this is a neat brochure. Everyone in other countries is so blindingly good looking and happy all the time." The first step towards your timely decision to escape America, this brochure proves to have lied right into your face about everything. At the same time, it has collectively saved you more money than a fleet of dump trucks can transport in a week. No, really. It's cheap. The downsides, depending on your specific locale, range from living in a thatched hut with twelve villagers to living in a slum tenement with twelve other international students, and from eating purple earthworm larvae to drinking camel poop juice. Little did you ever suspect that camel poop juice denotes a delicious concoction of coconut juice and the blood of unicorns along with lime shavings, and it's surprisingly fecal-less. Enjoy!

Exactly like I... imagined it?... um...

Next Door, You Wuss
There's several reasons you didn't leave your house. For some reason or other, be it parents or tuition or something similarly absurd and lame, you figured that going too far from home might kill you- whether it's over-nutrition or homesickness, there are a thousand different maladies that can strike you dead pending your setting foot outside of state lines, according to their odd taste of logic.
There are some decent explanations for several of these phenomenons, such as helicopter parents or an irrational fear of being further than five minutes away from home, but I would personally like to reach out and say that perhaps you should accept the alternative that leaving home would help your health and be mentally healthy for your parents. Probably. This doesn't even deserve a picture. You're pathetic. Just kidding, please love me and my blog. You're beautiful. And scared of open spaces, that's kinda ok too (not really).

On the Beach in Suburbia
Either in a stilted hut or in a hammock between two palm trees, gorging yourself on the sunshine, this is the place to be. Even vampires can't resist- being in the beautiful sun is worth every cell in their body being scorched by the sun. When the sand is too hot and you burn your feet, that actually means you have vampire feet. Weirdo. Anyways. The Beach is the best place to live- better than cornfields, the Amazon, or two doors over from your house in a dorm.

"Class will be held at low tide."