Student Council Speech

One of the steps to getting to college is pretending you're goodhearted and help other people. Guys, I'm too lazy to do many things unless I'm personally benefited or I enjoy doing that thing (does napping help the less fortunate?... No? Crap.)
But one of the steps to pretending to be useful with student council would be giving a hilarious student council speech just because I could. This speech, a gem of oratory literature, demonstrates that a man who wants to win public office can do so solely with a speech. Well, and because noone really cares about that public office (homeroom rep). That's like being elected, "executive pizza transportation manager." You're still a deliveryman, ya dope. I fell for that one too, don't feel too bad. They even convinced me to accept a lower wage for the "good of the company." But in the meantime, my 2010 Student Council Speech. This weekend, a post about stupid, pointless clubs will be affixed upon this glorious blog.

(General Patterson Accent)    Mornin’, everybody. For those of you who don’t know me, ‘ts too bad, I’m not tellin you my name cause it’s been two years since we’ve been going to this here fine ‘stablishment.

As a candidate for the prestigious position of representative, I am definitely overqualified. MORE than just qualified, ladies and gentlemen-  because not only am I good at math and bein’ organized and all that stuff, just kidding, actually, I’m not too swell at math and my room is messy, but I don’t believe that reflects on my real traits. As an American, I am qualified for any office. As an American who lives in America, I am even moreso qualified.

         Now, trained monkeys are the thing of the future. One day, instead of homeroom representatives, trained monkeys might be running around and getting class dues. 

Might be some unforeseen consequences with that, though.

Unfortunately, that day is not yet here. You have to deal with overqualified people such as myself, because I like to believe I’m at least a tad smarter than a trained monkey.

            Soon, you will be faced with the most important decision of your entire life. That decision is to vote for me. That decision, in fact, is not a decision, because you want to vote for me. As an American, you should vote for me.

  Now, as is the custom for cookie cutter student council speeches, this is the part where I tell you I can’t promise you things. I can’t promise you motion sensor sinks, cause we already got those. I can’t promise you toilets that flush, cause they usually do! I can promise you, I might think about considering being the best homeroom representative on the face of this planet!!!!

       Y’all have a nice summer. In America. If you’re not spending the summer in America, I tell ya, you’re missing out.

Vote fer me, Jeffrey, because I live in America.

Thank you for making believe you were paying attention.

Current protocol for electing school officials: Electing at random. Mine: elect the best speechwriter, and if you tell me you like math so you'll be a good treasurer I swear on Thor's beard I'll rip your legs off and ask you how many legs I'm holding... capische?