THOSE Teachers

Foiled : The Tragic Stories of 4 Teachers You Know

Y'know, I'm a nonconfrontational kind of guy. Authority figures and domineering teachers are totally cool with me, so long as they don't interfere with my lunchtime. Ms. Hoppersnap still hasn't recovered from giving me lunchtime detention. But you see, sometimes- sometimes, teachers aren't so simple and manageable as to be dealt with according to modern conventions of "sanity" and "social tact." Some teachers, simply put, exhibit similar traits to those of an infuriated honey badger with pens duct taped to it, yet strikingly less awesome. And you've had to fight him and put him down with nothing but a broken stapler and three Post-its.

RRghhhgrrgh. KILL. RGghgirrriri!

The Eternally Disorganized Teacher: Amateur Spelunker

    We've all been here. You proudly hand in your essay, head high and chest puffed out, after thrashing it out of your brain after an early-morning panic attack finishing it. The teacher, eyes glazed over and hair disheveled, tie leaning tiredly to one side, smiles weakly. "Oh.. an, ahem... essay..." Aforementioned educator then slumps over into a deep "meditation" session among caves of paper, mountains of reports, stapler fortresses, folder valleys, and somewhere deep in there- a dusty computer screen. Hopefully, the teacher wakes up and finds your essay. More often than not, 80%+ of the papers and assignments he/she receives will never see the light of day again, much like the teacher's computer and deodorant.

Damn. Where did I leave that keybo*mumblemumble..*

The Deadline Stickler  (all teachers now to be deferred to as males for expedited pronounage)

    High school students are busy, let's face it. Between procrastinating, parties, and pretending to play sports when the coach isn't watching, you're really all booked. But that doesn't matter to the deadline stickler. Oh, no. Lateness will NOT be tolerated, he says. I assigned this assignment in a timely manner (during the weekend) and I expect you guys to hold up your end of the sacrosanct high school homework social agreement and hand this assignment in a timely manner (two days after it was due; assignment is three essays). Once again, more often than not, the deadline stickler will finally give you back your tests and essays during graduation with all 90's- because there wasn't enough time to grade it. Well pooh-paah, looks as if I might not ever have enough time to do your homework again! (Just kidding, again implies I did some at one point.)

Just kidding, I'll move it up a week if you want!

The Homework-Bulldozer Hybrid

   Mr. Bull[dozer] has clearly never been a student. A permutation of the deadline stickler, Mr. Bull is worse for the fact that he does not even know which class he's teaching at any point in time. Usually, he will assign projects and presentations to students whilst in the process of trying to figure out whether he's a literature or physics teacher- all based on the assignments he gets back. Students do him no such courtesy, mixing all subjects in to throw him off the scent. As backlash, he sits at his desk brooding, and will call up a student.  "Bradley.."    "My name is Raj."   "Ah, yes, Richard."     "Raj."    "Okay there, student, I have some papers for this class in this stack of papers. Hand out 12 copies, three form types each, to your classmates.

They're near the top somewhere, Richard. See you next week.

The Lieutenant Captain of the SS Obvious

      In order to properly emphasize what a complete nincompoopy, tubby-gutted moron this kind of teacher is, an imaginary rank must be assigned to elevate him far above the average Captain Obvious. With a sporting IQ of 19 (takes an IQ of 8 to grunt), this teacher has no will to teach. He probably went to a community college, and hell, the only reason he's a teacher is because he's now eligible for discounted lunch at the cafeteria. Lt. Admiral Captain Obvious does not know a thing about his subject, though he might happen to remember which one he teaches. Instead of offering pithy insight and relevant information, Lt. Captain Lameface will regurgitate facts found in your textbook, occasionally muddling them yet still boring the pants off of everyone in class.

And then the Japanese submarines torpedoed, uh, Carl Columbus' caravel in... 18, hm, 33. Sounds good, students?

Luckily for myself, I've managed to avoid most of these toxic teachers of the years. Many of my past teachers have given me an academic edge through the things and methods they have taught me, though many a pair of pants have indeed been bored right off of me. Thanks to Amr Tawfik for helping me brainstorm a few of these.