College Acceptance!

"There are 4,146 colleges in the United States. However, screw all the others because we rock, we're the best, and we're #1! Also, you've been accepted. Congrats. We look forward to snagging your money seeing you in September 2012!"


Moving on from beach bumming, I thought it was time to take a look at getting accepted into college. One of my friends was accepted into Yale, full ride, and another got into Brown. Someone else told me you actually have to apply to Rutgers, it's not like high school where you're automatically processed in. Learn sumthin' new everyday! So congrats to all of my pals that got into schools, good riddance- about time!

There's four college-acceptance states of mind right now.

1. "I got into my reach school. HAHA, I RULE! Also, mom, I'm hungry."       Guidance counselors recommend applying from anywhere from 3 to 20 colleges. Guidance counselors also do lots of crack, apparently, which means they're excellent advisers for high-schoolers. But getting into your reach school is great. You're at the top of the world; nobody can touch you, all of your dreams are fulfilled. Four years of constant sunshine, smiling professors, and mind-blowingly amazing cafeteria food await you. Haha, just kidding. Keep in mind that better things cost more, and do your financial aid stuff unless you want have to put down on your resume, "Burger Flipper at McDonald's 2016-2020. BA Philosophy at Harvard Class of 2016." Though I thought going to Harvard automatically means you're given buckets of gold and a snobby Oxford accent.

"Same one you're thinking of, right?..."

2. "Oh god oh god oh god oh god I hope I got into Rutgers/H triple-C."

Some people are alarmingly anxious about everything. Whether it stems from feelings of insufficiency or their ego's deflation during the college application process (probably both), they refresh their Yahoo! email account every 2 minutes and cry into their Scarlet Knights pillow at night and into their Rutgers hoodie during the day. (I'm just picking on Rutgers cause... y'know.) One of my friends got deferred from UPenn, and last I heard of him he suffered a nervous breakdown and was eating his boogers and licking his toes while rocking back and forth on his roof. Naked. Just kidding, he had a pair of pink boxers on his head and two pencil up his nose, so technically...

3. "Broooooo, college is for, like..... duuuuude, whatever, I'll get there eventually!"  If you're anything like me, you're taking it easy. A sea of students around you cry in angst, sending admissions counselors thinly-veiled death threats and pillaging the guidance counselor's office and drawers daily in search of answers to college. And life. But mostly the former. But you, you've got it all figured out. You know when your colleges want their applications, and you- you're coasting along, livin' the dream until they do. And you congregate with like-minded people, simply doing this all day.

Life is good. WHOAAAA! There's a  beach bum's toe lodged in his stomach lining right now.

4. "My reach school?... "VJI. Virginia Janitor's Institute. Pretty rigorous. To show up, you just kinda show up with ten bucks everyday at the back of an A&P there. The main professor is a pretty eccentric guy; his clothes are always threadbare and malodorous, and his pulpit is a dumpster."

For #4, there was never any hope. For #s 1 and 2, take it easy. For #3- keep livin' the dream, brother.

MexicoHarvard WILL pay off.