Beach-Bumming: A Perfunctory Overview

It depresses me. Just think about it. All of those poor, poor souls out there who simply err in their modus operandi of life. Picture the most depressed, sullen, lifeless worker-drone in the workplace you can possible imagine. Now, step away from the mirror and try again. What comes to mind- Truck-driver? Walmart greeter? Any government job? Ask yourself now, is college a way out of this durdgery, or a circuitous mountain path that will end up with you driving off the same cliff you would've anyway?

Pictured: You with or without college.

They got there somehow, whether it was a series of poor decisions, apathy, or glorious half-assery (or a stuck accelerator)... and honestly, social mobility loses its novelty when you have a family and a refrigerator. The answer, my pathetic reader, lay in the rest of this how-to guide for beach bumming. Graphic, tantalizing, and actually not really those last two, it's all here.

First: Pity those poor fellows who want to be doctors, male nurses, or anything involving the Hippocratic Oath and trying to help cranky and malodorous sick people. I mean, sure, you'll eventually get paid boatloads of money, but in the meantime, you need to go to 18 years of med school (HAVE FUN PAYING FOR THAT) and study all the bones and other weird stuff encased in human flesh, and chances are you'll still end up amputating the wrong frikkin' arm somewhere down the road. As a beach bum, the human allows himself to shirk all responsibility and become a self-sufficient parasite. There's no schooling. You don't work, except for when your stomach begins acidifying itself from hunger, and that's that.

So this, except on a beach.

Second: The beach bum is a self-sufficient, parasitic, resourceful bum, unlike many other subclasses of bum around the world. The Beach Bum is the highest caste of bum, the Aryan race of bum, the Hahhh-vaahd kind of bum. Imagine, good reader, the lack of responsibility the beach bum enjoys, surviving on as little as 15 dollars a month (all spent on tanning lotion and feather glue, tell ya in a moment).

• Shelter: Build a sandcastle with some cement that you "found" and make a bed out of seagull feathers.
• Showers: All beaches have public showers, or, y'know, the ocean could always work. Duh.
• Relationships: Like all respectable beach bums, you need to join a local beach bum commune and union. Unfortunately, all of their communications and documents are written in the wet sand and... um... yeah.
• The government: Will never find you. You're on a beach. Beaches are filled with joy and happiness, and clearly off-limits to all government employees.
• Food: Your aforementioned bed is also a costume, which allows a beach bum to transform into a gigantic seagull and steal food under the guise of, well, a mutated skybeast. 

So this, except on a beach.

Dear reader, I hope this cursory how-to article on beach bumming has begun to give you a perspective on how wonderful a life beach-bumming can be. However, I've merely covered the most fundamental of topics here, and haven't even begun discussing the advantages of being shirtless, hungry, and by the ocean for all your life. (Like everyone in Cuba, except in SoCal!)