The Trifecta of Relaxation

Depending on the where you’re headin’ to, you’ll either encounter a serious drinking problem with a college nearby or a series of buildings where science zombies congregate. Sure, a few options exist few and far between those two extremes, but that’s exactly what they are- few and far in between. Either way, zombies and alco… college students need to figure out how to relax from the tedious, stress inducing tasks related to binge drinking, memorizing encyclopedias of formulas, and lounging on the beach. So sit down, lean back, and take a sip of that pina colada while I fill you in on the methodology behind chilling out- no gimmicks. Alright, maybe a few. But they’re totally rad, dude. Check it out!

The Noble Resting Place: Hammocks

Say what you will, the key to relaxing is location and method. By far, the most ideal method of relaxing remains hammocking, an activity which embodies all notions deemed noble, restful, and delightful by all humans.  First off, you need a hammock. A hammock can be hung anywhere: in the rafters of a moldy barn, above the mouth of a raging volcano, between the bars of street signs, and of course the epitome of relaxation: between two sun scorched palm trees, inches away from clear blue oceans. Second, you need a hammockupation- a combination of hammocking and occupation; any recreational activity possible. Want to listen to voodoo chants? Sure. Enjoy sipping strawberry molasses flavored apple juice? Um, fine? Sit back and stare at the sky while not thinking… at all? (this option only available for men, sorry women.) With a hammock and hammockupation, you’re well on your way to relaxation nirvana and a body so relaxed hippies got nothin’ on ya.

"At least a hammock, yah?.."

The Joyful Philosophy: Daily

One of the main reasons people get their knickers in a twist and have other terrible things happen to their undergarments is a perpetual cycle of worrying. When Monday begins, they fret about Tuesday. Tuesday, fret about Wednesday. Wednesday, they’re dead; murdered by their own concern. It happens, people. Beware. The Bible even tackles this topic, telling us to live one day at a time relying on God. That’s right, Christians should be practicing a doctrine of divine YOLO. But really, what does worrying do? A significant difference splits apathy and competence. Without worrying, you can do everything normally, fairly, adequately. Worrying, you can poop your pants, get gray hair at 20, and cry into your pillow, which takes so much abuse you had to glue a bunch of Shamwows into a ad hoc pillow so as not to flood your room every night. Seriously, spend your time wisely and stop worrying. Another step towards relaxation nirvana.

This is what google images thinks relaxation nirvana is...

The Gentlemen’s Perspective: Gratitude

School bugs me, I’ll be the first to admit it. But it’s always a matter of perspective. If there’s one thing that the Mexican Police Chief from that one episode of Monk taught me, it’s that “It’s all about de drugs.” While that may prove true south of the border, a hammockitude requires an open, breezy, welcoming mind, as warm as Pacific shores and as joyful as a cluster of chocolate-producing palm trees. But hammockitude. The Mexican Police Chief things the world revolves around drugs. Normal people have nary a clue what the world revolves around, but I digress. Lying there in a gently swaying hammock, the fuzzy breeze tickling your skin and retiring sun comforting your mind, reexamine your perspective. Do you feel entitled to anything you have? Get over it. Get over yourself. You don’t deserve a hammock, the breeze, or the sun. Nope, in this revolutionary perspective, ya little ingrate, nothing belongs to you. That chocolate bar you found? Be thankful, even though it was sandy and probably had possum poop on it. That textbook for chemistry class? Be thankful you can one day figure out why your toes smell so terrible, though that might just be personal hygiene. Be thankful you have toes! Be thankful hygiene is a thing, even though you’re clearly unfamiliar with it. Point is, being thankful mitigates the negative and makes everything look better. I mean, it is better. While every single Asian child is simultaneously smarter, more talented, and better-looking than you, at least you’re parents don’t bludgeon you with laptops and abacuses to make you even smarter… do they? Because that’s horrible. I mean, be thankful you have parents, ingrate.

I thought combining "grateful" and "attitude" would make a new word "gratitude," but that's already a word. Nearly as bad as the time I took out my cellphone to call my cellphone."

 

Now, much of this information might strike the average human as odd. Well, you strike the average human as repulsive and off-putting, so shut up. I’m grateful I have fingers to type that at you. See how practical this is?

‘But the rest isn’t practical,’ you whine. ‘ I don’t have chocolate coconut trees and breezes and Pacific beaches, waaaa.’ Yeah, whatever. Excuses. When worse comes to worse and the, uh, hammock hits the… fram…sock… All you need is a hammock. Even a bed will do fine. Man up, college will be over soon, unless you’re a med student, in which case, forget everything you just read because school ends for people like you at the age of, hmm, 50? And that’s if you get lucky and the Medical gods deem you fit of wielding the snake-staff that heals all and knows all… but my knowledge of the medical field and practice is limited, except that the human body needs two substances to work: duct tape and aloe vera. Try it. Drink aloe vera for a month. See how swell you feel. Be thankful you have aloe vera.

*Disclaimer: Drinking aloe vera in large quantities may not be a brilliant idea.

It changes weather patterns, according to lunarists. That's why!  Look at all those coldfronts! Stop drinking it!