QUADRUPLE Your Efficiency, Bro!

Four Ways to Increase your Efficiency and Stop Making Inappropriate References to TV Shows (But mostly the first one, really)
Up until now, most of my posts have been ardently devoted to wasting time, whether through procrastination or relaxation- it wholly depends on which posts you read. If you’ve read all them, then the Lordy bless your little soul, sirrah! These tips will help you get to college faster, because you'll be sleeping more and working less- an ideal deal, to be sure! Read on, adventurer, and behold the secrets of the cave of, uh, time-saving secrets. (There was no better way to say that…)

1. Go ColdTurkey!

Defying initial expectiations, ColdTurkey is not your regional football team mascot- because first off a turkey isn’t threatening, and how would a turkey mascot be "cold?" Paper mache ice cubes taped to its butt? Anyway, ColdTurkey denotes a computer program which blocks selected websites for a certain period of time. If you don’t have enough discipline to block websites which slurp up your time like you do a moldy month-old slurpee (with gusto and a smile!),then you never stood a chance. All you need to do is install a program and tell it to destroy your imaginary social life by blocking websites. So scram, bum! Go and ColdTurkey your evil, time-slurping websites with the power of ice-cold turkey butt! NOW. Destroy procrastination with the bowling ball of coldturkey! Wait...

Turkey bowling: actually a thing?

2. Change your HomePage

If you walked home one day and found out the entrance to your homely abode was through a walk-in refrigerator, imagine how cool it would be! (pun intended, unfortunately) For those of you who live inside restaurant walk-in refrigerators, just imagine returning home normally and then chastise yourself for making me add this inconvenient scenario addendum. But refrigerator. Enough of us mindlessly amble over to the refrigerator every few minutes to see whether new food has magically appeared and if the soda is cold enough yet, I mean seriously it’s been in there for at least two minutes and should already be cold. But on the internets, you have a homepage. That’s your entrance to the internet. If your homepage is yahoo, you’ll end up seeing those retarded articles about some completely trivial topic no one really ever cared about. “Madonna’s 5 craziest shoe decals!” or “Three Things about Liechtenstein You Never Knew!” Stop right there, buster. Don’t even look at that article. I see you eyeing it like a skinny kid eyes an entire baker's dozen of donuts (it's the skinny kids you gotta look out for with donuts)! Grab your webhammer (internet sledgehammer) and slam a new wall of a homepage into your figurative house. Voila! Say goodbye, Yahoo! articles about 'Hottest Cranberry Sauces This Season'!

Lemme hear a 'SPLAT'!.... gross.

3. Set a Sleep Clock

Most of us set alarm clocks to wake up. Those who don’t probably just live under bridges and wake up when they're too hungry to sleep. But as effective as waking up earlier is going to sleep earlier. Really, though, this is a no-nonsense approach. It requires serious discipline, which presents a problem to 99.99% of students (a conservative estimate, mind you). Chances are, just to wake up in the morning, you set three alarms, and those only begin to wake you up. After three different housemaids try to wake you up and your mother pours orange juice on your face, you begin to budge. This is the opposite- all of those people throwing stuff at you, except to go to sleep. Knowing that you need to get a bed a certain time will do several things, but the best two are: making you perform faster to meet your sleep deadline and, pending the success of step one, sleeping longer. That’s more efficient than the time I outsourced my homework to India! Haha, who am I kidding, that happens every night. 

Pictured: living hell

4. LEAVE. Just leave, and don’t come back… well, until later, that is.

After a certain number of hours transfixed by the zombifying, unceasing glow of a computer screen, your work output increases by a function of 1/log(hours)*% work complete/1, to put it into terms no one can understand because that’s not a real function. But after about two or so hours in front of the computer, the rate of your productivity must have fallen from writing three words of your essay every minute to accidentally deleting your system.exe twice and tweeting 8.4 times every 2.4 minutes, shattering several Guiness World Records… no? Just me? Hm, okay. Anyways, turns out that your facebook, twitter, and tumblr turn into a social media refrigerator: you open it over and over expecting something exciting and new (Whoooo!), but instead, all you get is leftovers and recycled junk (booo…). The solution is to leave the house- go for a bike ride, go hang out, go mutter to yourself and knock over pedestrians while wearing nothing but stockings, go walk your dog or sleep on your front porch or start an international smuggling ring. Anything, really, as long as it gets you away from your computer.  And if you’re fortunate, you might just come back and find something new in the refrigerator… who am I kidding, you’ll eat that month-old spinach pie anyway, even without being truly hungry.

After the first bite, your face will stay like that forever.