Student Council Speech

One of the steps to getting to college is pretending you're goodhearted and help other people. Guys, I'm too lazy to do many things unless I'm personally benefited or I enjoy doing that thing (does napping help the less fortunate?... No? Crap.)
But one of the steps to pretending to be useful with student council would be giving a hilarious student council speech just because I could. This speech, a gem of oratory literature, demonstrates that a man who wants to win public office can do so solely with a speech. Well, and because noone really cares about that public office (homeroom rep). That's like being elected, "executive pizza transportation manager." You're still a deliveryman, ya dope. I fell for that one too, don't feel too bad. They even convinced me to accept a lower wage for the "good of the company." But in the meantime, my 2010 Student Council Speech. This weekend, a post about stupid, pointless clubs will be affixed upon this glorious blog.

(General Patterson Accent)    Mornin’, everybody. For those of you who don’t know me, ‘ts too bad, I’m not tellin you my name cause it’s been two years since we’ve been going to this here fine ‘stablishment.

As a candidate for the prestigious position of representative, I am definitely overqualified. MORE than just qualified, ladies and gentlemen-  because not only am I good at math and bein’ organized and all that stuff, just kidding, actually, I’m not too swell at math and my room is messy, but I don’t believe that reflects on my real traits. As an American, I am qualified for any office. As an American who lives in America, I am even moreso qualified.

         Now, trained monkeys are the thing of the future. One day, instead of homeroom representatives, trained monkeys might be running around and getting class dues. 

Might be some unforeseen consequences with that, though.

Unfortunately, that day is not yet here. You have to deal with overqualified people such as myself, because I like to believe I’m at least a tad smarter than a trained monkey.

            Soon, you will be faced with the most important decision of your entire life. That decision is to vote for me. That decision, in fact, is not a decision, because you want to vote for me. As an American, you should vote for me.

  Now, as is the custom for cookie cutter student council speeches, this is the part where I tell you I can’t promise you things. I can’t promise you motion sensor sinks, cause we already got those. I can’t promise you toilets that flush, cause they usually do! I can promise you, I might think about considering being the best homeroom representative on the face of this planet!!!!

       Y’all have a nice summer. In America. If you’re not spending the summer in America, I tell ya, you’re missing out.

Vote fer me, Jeffrey, because I live in America.

Thank you for making believe you were paying attention.

Current protocol for electing school officials: Electing at random. Mine: elect the best speechwriter, and if you tell me you like math so you'll be a good treasurer I swear on Thor's beard I'll rip your legs off and ask you how many legs I'm holding... capische?

A Case Study in Absorbed Humor

I write this in the moments before the entire house collapses onto my head, I actually hear the groaning and creaking now. You see, everyone else in the three story building has fallen victim to my shovel-gunpowder-trampoline trap on the front stairs and is rather permanently incapacitated, I am afraid. On the plus side, the money and credit cards looted off of the slightly perforated bodies were put to good use growing an entire jungle and a half on the second and third floors of my house. Among palm trees, beach vistas, and masses of tropical birds and feral monkeys is a perpetual creek of water created with a superglue and styrofoam riverbank. I am afraid that the water has leaked out and leeched into the support structure of the entire house, rendering it similar to a large rectangular jello blob. Whenever I sneeze, I drop to the floor for fear of another wall socking me right in the jaw. Unfortunately, the feral monkeys have found the jello house rather appetizing and have been tucking in rather voraciously. The house will fall in moments.

Why was I able to google "jello house" and find something?

This is a passage loosely based on 27\6, an uproarious humour website featuring an Australian writer and designer who just loves being a butthead to everyone. I was demonstrating (mainly to myself) how easy it is to absorb humor from authors and works that you read. Some of my strongest influences? Bill Bryson, Cracked, Artemis Fowl, and now 27\6.

Era of Procrastination

A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.--Charles Darwin

Anyone can tell you about procrastination. It is a universal conundrum, affecting drooling toddlers and drooling seniors alike, and striking down young high schoolers. It is the bane of all workers even slightly at risk to distractions... And like anything else universally affecting the entire human population, like a ludicrous love for peanut butter and ham waffles, procrastination can be broken down into a few different time frames...

A national dish of all 900 countries.

General Overview

Next time your parents try to convince you that sorting dominoes according to the number of dots on each side is less important than homework, try this: Ask them about their childhood and their own school procrastination. Chances are they'll tell you an interesting story and help you procrastinate at the same time; you just bought yourself some time to figure out how to arrange those two blocks with a 5-2 pattern on each side. Just don't glance at the domino box too often or they'll catch on. My mum recalled living across the street from the school, and as she went every morning her own mother would watch her... so my mum went in the front of the school and waltzed right out the back whenever she felt like it. But the point is, procrastination convinces you that an infinite number of things are more desirable than homework: smelling that stain on your ceiling, staring at dust floating in your room, even gazing slack-jawed at a pencil for three hours will suffice. But let me indulge you with a few slightly more specific and thoroughly incapacitating examples of procrastination that you're all too familiar with...

"Good habits start now!"

Sunday Night Blues

"Man, this was one great weekend. From Friday night hanging out behind 7-11 and getting yelled at by the Indian owner to Sunday afternoon having one-handed shoelace tying competitions with your friends, the excitement just kept on comin'!" Well, guess what, it's now Sunday night, 9:00, and it turns out your backpack hasn't even been opened. Hell, you can't bring yourself to recall where you put it. After an hour of digging  through layers of dirty clothes, food wrappers, and fruit husks, you successfully excavate your academic portmanteau and begin to peruse your papers. Time to get to work.

Three hours later, you wake up. Seriously, time to get to work... right after I check my email.

It's now 2:45am, and you're knee deep in three sentences of literary wisdom. The essay due needs to fill five pages. Single-spaced. Dude, just go to sleep at this point. Tell the teacher your backpack got buried in a landslide, it's basically the truth.

Except that's not homework. He's researching sandpit backpack removal techniques.

Day-Before Deadline

As you receive the assignment, you vow, "This time, it'll be done a WEEK before deadline. I swear, my work will overflow with grace, beauty, and education, and my teacher will deferentially bow before me for the rest of the year in awe of such a masterpiece."

This is what you said a month ago. You told yourself it would get done next week every weekend, and guess what, the deadline is tomorrow and the empty word doc is mocking you with a grin while it shakes its private parts at your auntie (Holy Grail ref). In other words, yep, you're screwed. Once again, the only option is to sit down and power through it... or you could go and raid the fridge for the ninth time today. Is there even a question which one you pick?

Too hungry to sleep. Too tired to eat. Still better than doing homework.

Period Before Class

Well, this time, the teacher assigned some asinine form of homework yesterday. But, once again, you had much better things to do after school like skipping rocks on the street and planking on top of moving cars dressed as a gorilla. When you got back home, between eating and eating, there was no time to pause your frenzied chewing and do 800 math problems. The next day, in school, you're too lazy to even copy the work. C'mon, even Ben copies his work in a timely manner, you lazy, poo-sniffing, no good yellabelly bum. But you have class next period, and it's now or never, buster... but your friends are playing cards, and they only do this the entire day, so it would be like a sin to miss out! At this point, just... just drop out of high school and become a Walmart greeter or something. But you'd probably suck at that, too.

A synopsis of the next five years of your life.