But one of the steps to pretending to be useful with student council would be giving a hilarious student council speech just because I could. This speech, a gem of oratory literature, demonstrates that a man who wants to win public office can do so solely with a speech. Well, and because noone really cares about that public office (homeroom rep). That's like being elected, "executive pizza transportation manager." You're still a deliveryman, ya dope. I fell for that one too, don't feel too bad. They even convinced me to accept a lower wage for the "good of the company." But in the meantime, my 2010 Student Council Speech. This weekend, a post about stupid, pointless clubs will be affixed upon this glorious blog.
(General Patterson Accent)
Mornin’, everybody. For those of you who don’t know me, ‘ts too bad, I’m
not tellin you my name cause it’s been two years since we’ve been going to this
here fine ‘stablishment.
As a candidate for the prestigious
position of representative, I am definitely overqualified. MORE than just qualified, ladies and gentlemen- because not only am I good at math and bein’
organized and all that stuff, just kidding, actually, I’m not too swell at math
and my room is messy, but I don’t believe that reflects on my real traits. As
an American, I am qualified for any office. As an American who lives in
America, I am even moreso qualified.
Now, trained
monkeys are the thing of the future. One day, instead of homeroom
representatives, trained monkeys might be running around and getting class
dues.
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| Might be some unforeseen consequences with that, though. |
Unfortunately, that day is not yet here. You have to deal with
overqualified people such as myself, because I like to believe I’m at least a tad
smarter than a trained monkey.
Soon, you
will be faced with the most important decision of your entire life. That
decision is to vote for me. That decision, in fact, is not a decision, because you want to vote for me. As an American,
you should vote for me.
Now, as is the custom
for cookie cutter student council speeches, this is the part where I tell you I
can’t promise you things. I can’t promise you motion sensor sinks, cause we
already got those. I can’t promise you toilets that flush, cause they usually
do! I can promise you, I might think about considering being the best
homeroom representative on the face of this planet!!!!
Y’all have a
nice summer. In America. If you’re not spending the summer in America, I tell
ya, you’re missing out.
Vote fer me, Jeffrey, because I live in America.
Thank you for making believe you were paying attention.
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| Current protocol for electing school officials: Electing at random. Mine: elect the best speechwriter, and if you tell me you like math so you'll be a good treasurer I swear on Thor's beard I'll rip your legs off and ask you how many legs I'm holding... capische? |
