The Magic of a Protein Bottle

"Protein," he said.

And that was it. That was all that needed to be said. Everyone nodded, understanding everything that single statement implied, not just about the matter at hand, but about all those like them.


That's an excerpt from my next book, now in the works. It's estimated to be finished never, which I found absolutely invigorating. But the matter at hand is protein, or the finer points of it.

I like protein, especially after a workout, when I mix it with what's basically a milkshake; think of a rich person stirring caviar into his '43 Pinot Noir just because he CAN, y'know? and it works. The funniest part though, is that for all the overcontrived attacks on powdered protein, it has less ingredients than your average Hot Pocket or breakfast waffle. Think about that. Your favorite breakfast food, Slobberin-Waffle-Strawberry-Mouthsplosion flavored Pancakes or whatever, have more ingredients than a powder which injects itself into your bloodstream and turns billions of cells into miniature Hulks for short amounts of time; later metabolizing into actual muscle fibers that are tinted green with rage and power (my science is a bit iffy here, but that's the jist of it, probably).

Science and this picture can't be wrong!

At the same time, though, there's another, more sinister biological process occurring in the container used to harness such powdered Hulk-power: the workout bottle.

They came in many shapes and sizes, and contain many different body-altering MEGA POWER BODY FUEL INTENSE MEGA SMASH WORKOUT BOOSTER XXXPLOOOOSIONNNN pills and liquids, but all suffer the same malady: swamp bottle.

Yum!

What happens is all of this small Hulks which empower you to jump tall buildings and strangle large bears need somewhere to, hm, evacuate their waste, in order that they better sprint through your blood vessels and shake your puny heart into overdrive. That waste, as it would happen, seems to contain at least 300 kinds of mold and bacteria- 298 are poisonous; the other 2 can eat you. And if you turn your back on that bottle for a second, it'll malodorously transform into a veritable petri-dish of death and bacteria-warfare viable Hulk poop spores. 

The solution?

... drink more Hulks?

the best I've got is hot water and baking soda, which turns it into a racially pure volcano that obliterates everything, much like... nevermind. Too soon, Vesuvius. (what were YOU thinking? geez.)

Haven't tried washing it, though. Nah.