The End of Ivy and Death of the Future

In response to the rash of Ivy League acceptances and hash of Ivy League rejections, this will be a belated exhortation to those who have found themselves on the receiving end of, not even a depressing letter, but an email notifying you of your rejection to the world of influence, fame, and money. It turns out that perhaps you're not so special after all, and maybe all of that entitlement you thought you had just hit the fan like a cubic ton of horse manure- that is to say, in a messy, smelly, and not-too-pretty fashion. But of course, words of encouragement beckon from the rest of the page- read on, poor soul, and you'll find out that you're toaster than matzo left in the Mojave Desert. So strap in, gear up, and prepare for some poor analogies and inappropriate metaphors!

But first, an illustration of your situation: a burning desert.

No Chance for a Proper Education
Sad to say, but out of the approximately 4,146 colleges in the United States, your rejection from three-quarters of a dozen of them will bring about horrific, terrible consequences for the rest of your entire life. These eight colleges signify all that radiates academic excellence, social elitism, and wealthy snobbery in the world of higher education. As such, nary a soul would find it disagreeable to say a short prayer. Why? Well, bub, it's the end of the line for you. Your quest for academic excellence ends here, and you'll never find it anywhere else. The other 4,138 colleges just won't cut it. They all lack any opportunity to make a name for yourself and learn about the ins and outs of elitism, professional football, lacrosse, and social discrimination. To those rejected from these prestigious institutions, now is the time to hand in your Macbook and golf clubs and start picking a bridge to sleep under. The college quest has definitively ended, and no hope remains.

Also, this chimp represents your level of intelligence.

No Opportunity for Crippling Debt
The first thing that crosses a student's mind as he receives a rejection letter: "I knew I would need those razorblades eventually. TO KILL MYSELF."
Oh my, what a horrific, self-destructive mindset! Think of it in terms of economics: the average Ivy education costs about 250,000$ over four years. Ladies and gentlemen, a quarter of a million dollars to stay in a building and go to classes with extremely intelligent people. It goes without saying, obviously, that noone in any other institution in America can even remotely compare, in terms of intelligence and insight, to the glorious professors at the Ivies, so this money presents itself as an investment. Instead of slashing your wrists, think about the dollars slashed off of college funds! Eschewing financial aid and scholarship opportunities, that quarter million flat can be an opportunity for other things, and since the only other viable option is living under a bridge and eating sinewy sewer rats for sustenance, let's take a sampling. Some options: buy 625 iPads to read the HarvardReview and dream about what you could have aspired to; an armored Humvee to rampage away the indignation of rejection; or 250,000 Arizona Iced tea cans to quench your righteous fury at the evil adcoms. Regardless, that lump sum of cash would've been an investment in your life- an investment to see how much debt you could collect in four years without using your mob connections to get loans; the interest rates would probably come out about even: 400% a day or so. That means a month after you finish college, you'll owe pretty much everyone in the world approximately 25,982,547$, as proved by this graph.

No Chance for a Decent Job
At best, it would be a difficult task to conceal the struggling job market. At worst, Swift's Modest Proposal will come true and Americans across the States will soon begin looting McDonald's for ketchup to flavor baby carcasses veal (nothing but the best!) New statistics show that 98.3% of college graduates who fail to qualify for or otherwise finish an Ivy League education will become one of three jobs: professional anarchist, Blimpie Rat-Killer, or amateur cigarette butt picker-upper. McDonald's will require a BA or a BS from an Ivy to even consider your application in a few years. As saddening as it is, the 4,000 college in the United States who have not been considered worthy of having their most driven students thrash each over a pigskin do not measure up to such impressive standards as the Ivies. A small sampling of the deficiencies in these schools that result in job incompetence: no elitist social clubs, no life-threatening hazing to enter frats, not enough liberal professors, and a gross lack of distinguished sounding accents. Actually, in the future, the only humans on earth who will be able to find employment are Ivy-Leaguers and Oxford graduates, on account of sounding more educated than everyone else. As if all of this news wasn't sobering enough, statistics from the DOL, CFO, and the AFL indicate that 99.82% of college-educated Americans will lack enough discretionary income to purchase a new car every year, as well as a truckload of premium Angel-Soft 8 ply toilet paper. God help America.

The poo bag is a metaphor for your job security.

The truth of the matter is, all of your efforts have come to naught. Turns out that some of the other 30,000 people that applied to Harvard were better than you. How much better? Don't ask, for thor's sake, spare yourself the embarrassment. The fact that you don't know already shows how pathetic you are. People like you come a dime a dozen. You're cheaper than dirt, which is about 3.04 cents a pound. Think about that. Dirt is better than you, and very well stands a better chance of surviving the crisis of rejection from all that is noble, good, and elitist in the world. Poor you.

Pictured: A metaphor for your parents' sadness, somehow.